Jobs I Want: Cheese Analyst

If you're someone who knows me well, you know that I used to edit some magazines owned by this evil, horrible man named Tom Petters.

If you think you've worked for a worse boss, you're wrong. As proof, I offer you Mr. Petters' mug shot.

Does your  boss have a mug shot? Did your boss at least look at the stupid camera for his or her mug shot? Mine didn't, because he was really ashamed of the massive Ponzi scheme he'd created, and terrified of the fallout of bilking his employees and investors out of billions of dollars. Did your boss do that?

Okay, then. My boss was the Worst Boss Ever.

But that's beside the point. The point is, when a massive FBI raid began the chain of events that led to my layoff, I found myself a bit traumatized, and so I vowed to be my own boss as much as possible for the rest of my life.

It sort of worked. I've done some freelance stuff, and waited tables, and generally avoided additional Scary Bosses. Mostly, this is awesome, but every now and again I find myself pining for the days when I  did lots of really productive stuff, like changing out of pajamas or earning a living wage. 

Sometimes, I discover careers at which I'm entirely certain I'd excel. When this happens it can be very, very tempting to apply for the position, until I remember that I am a writer and therefore entirely unemployable if I want to be paid with, like, a salary. 

But sometimes there's hope. Sometimes, I find a job that seems like it was custom-made, just for me. These jobs meet all of my requirements. They're fun. They require no pointless meetings. I already possess the expertise required. Jobs like these, I'd probably do for free. 

Did you know, for example, that the Tillamook Cheese Factory in Tillamook, Oregon employs people called "Cheese Analysts"? According to Tillamook's Web site, a cheese analyst's duties are as follows:

Cheese analysts take core samples from a random sampling of cheese blocks every day. They taste and smell the cheese, checking flavor and texture to determine which cheeses need to be sent back for further aging into sharp and extra-sharp varieties.

Um, hello? Hire me, Tillamook? I'm smart, and I'm good at random things, and I for realz know when cheese tastes good. I won't ever complain about the job. Instead, I will show up on time, and eat tasty cheese all day long, just minutes from the pristine Oregon coast. When I am done analyzing cheese, I will go home and sleep it off, and then come back and do it again the next day. I'll be like Templeton from Charlotte's Web, and you'll be my veritable smorgasbord. We're a perfect match. It'll be great.

So please, if you're a hiring manager at Tillamook (or any other reasonably decent cheese factory, for that matter), consider that I dream of being paid to eat...or even just eating for free?

It's the holiday season, Tillamook. A time when dreams come true. So cut a girl a break, eh?