Letter #2: The Waffle Guy (aka "Crush/Boyfriend")

Dear Waffle Guy, 

Once, when we were still pretty new, I had a very bad day. You listened while I babbled, and held me while I cried, and talked me through to the other side of my tears. And when it was all done, I looked at you and said, "I don't deserve you."

Do you remember what you said next? Because I'll never forget it. You said: "Love isn't something you can earn or deserve."

I looked at you, all confused, and you continued to explain, "If you could do something to earn love, then you could do something to make me stop loving you. It's not that way. I just love you."

It was the first time in my life I didn't feel like I had anything to prove, perhaps the most liberating moment I've yet experienced. You didn't want the cleaned-up, spiffy, polished version of me that I'd always tried to sell. You wanted ME. 

It was in that moment that I finally started to understand who I am. I finally stopped performing, and started living. Thank you for that.

For the record, I just love YOU, too.

Letter #1: The Best Friend

Dear M:

I could say so, so many things to you. In fact, I could tell you anything. But frankly, writing lots of things for the sake of writing lots of things feels a bit like writing a yearbook entry. It's completely unnecessary. Everything you need to know about me, you already know. If you don't know, you'll ask. If I forget to tell you, it's okay. We are past the point of secrets or games, and besides, soon enough, we'll remember. We always, always remember soon enough.

You know that I think you are strong, beautiful, brilliant, insightful. You know that I admire your spunk, your gift of impeccable timing and wit, and your damn fine vocabulary. You know that I treasure the memories we've made together. You know that you are my family; that we're bound together by decades of  shared history. You know that I simply would not be Me if there wasn't a You.

And so, rather than tell you the things you already know, I'll leave you with a secret.

When I think about you, I wonder: Do you know what you are worth? 


I hope so. I hope that every day, when you look in the mirror, you see that radiant, sparkling soul of yours beaming right back at you.

When I look at my life, I see that spirit everywhere. Thanks for that.

I love you.

An Exercise in Exercises

I've met Britni once, at a going-away party I attended in Boston, when my best friend Molly was moving home to Minnesota. I'd flown to Boston to help Molly pack up her car and drive halfway across the country. I'd heard innumerable stories about Molly's Boston posse, and they proved to be exactly the sort of people with whom I'd expect Molly to associate: dynamic, free-spirited, fiery and feisty. I had little time to say more than a cursory hello to any of them, but Molly's people definitely made an impression to me. Oddly, I can still remember what Britni was wearing that night--a white tank-top, baggy jeans, a great belt and really cute shoes.

Somehow, Britni ended up as a Facebook friend, and I started to notice her insightful, comical and occasionally snarky posts. These I followed to her blog, where I am delighted to kill a few minutes of any given week. Funny how connected strangers are in this tiny world of ours.

At any rate, Britni found a 30-day letter writing challenge on someone's Tumblr, and opted to undertake the challenge herself, posting the list for anyone else who wanted to play.

I'm in. First, I think it would be fascinating to try to do ANYTHING for 30 days. I can hardly shower every day. I really need something to get me back in the habit of writing daily, and I think this could be just the habit-forming exercise I need.

Second, it just looks fun. Here's the list, in case you want to play, too. Thanks, Britni, for making enough of an impression then for me to blog-stalk you now, and for giving me something with which to occupy my brain.

THE 30-DAY LETTER-WRITING CHALLENGE

Day 1 — Your Best Friend

Day 2 — Your Crush/ Boyfriend (*)

Day 3 — Your parents

Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)

Day 5 — Your dreams

Day 6 — A stranger

Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush (*)

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

Day 23 — The last person you kissed

Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Ooooh, fun! Ima start right now!

*On the grounds that I'm not nearly young and hip enough to be doing something like this, I reserve the right to change this language to something like, "Life Partner/Spouse/Love Interest"

New, Improved.

I am a daredevil. I will try anything once. I am fearless. I'm reasonably good at most things that I try. Above all else, I am not afraid of failure.

At least that's what I'd like you to believe. And unless you get to know me very, very well, I'll probably convince you quite thoroughly. After all, I'll gladly jump out of an airplane, or climb a very tall structure, or spelunk lava tubes. To drive the point home, I'll smile while I'm doing it.

On the surface, those things look very brave. They are not.

My Knievel-eqsue antics are merely a thinly-veiled, smoke-and-mirrors, over-hyphenated attempt to convince you that I am a woman of great valor. I am not.

Here is a list of things that scare me tremendously:

1. Snapping Turtles
2. Cottage Cheese
3. Commitment
4. Failure
5. Office Jobs
6. Misogyny 
7. Clowns (I know it's a trendy phobia. No, they don't make me scream or sweat. But if I'm walking down a sidewalk and I see a clown, I'll cross the street so I don't have to pass close by the painted freak.)
8. People who Yell
9. Waking up one morning and realizing I'm past my peak
10. June Bugs 
11. Judgment of Any Kind

There are at least 10,000 other things that render me petrified, but you get the point. I am a great big scaredy-cat and an even bigger hypocrite. I am the opposite of plucky. I just go through the motions.

I see courage everywhere, and I strive to emulate it. In one project with which I'm involved, I routinely talk to women who've survived breast cancer. Talk about ferocity. These women have been to hell and back, and they almost universally shrug off their experiences as if they were no big deal. "It was just my cross to bear," said one survivor. "Everyone has to deal with something." 

I don't know if I would be so brave.

My own daughter just finished her first triathlon at the ripe old age of nine. I sobbed as she crossed the finish line, overcome by the nerve it took for her to undertake her mission. Though she is a shy child, she worked really hard to raise nearly $500 for the Miracles of Mitch Foundation. And then she swam and biked and ran her heart out, despite the fact that the whole ordeal terrified her. If a child can have such determination, I wondered, why do I crumple so readily in the face of day-to-day life?

I've always been a little bit fragile, a little too sensitive. And so I do things that you will think are brave, like skydiving or bungee jumping or wearing a costume in public on a random Tuesday. The problem is that those things don't scare me. Not one iota. And so they're not really brave, are they?

I'll tell you what does scare me. New.

"New" is terrifying, because I am a control freak. That is why I say no to nearly everything that I can't predict. 

Sure, I'll slap on a parachute, because I can tell you exactly how it will end: Statistically speaking, I'll return to the ground. Not very scary.

But to get up in front of a group of people and sing? What if they don't like me? What if a mighty wind blows my skirt off and everyone laughs? What if I die of a heart attack caused by the anxiety induced by puking from nervousness on the stage?

I'm trying to challenge myself to break the shackles of perceived security, and so over the past few months I've made an effort to give up control and Just Say Yes.

That's why I said yes to a friend who asked me to paddle on his corporate Dragon Boat Team. I mean, it was highly possible that I'd cause the team to fail (Fear #4), thereby inciting the judgment of potentially misogynistic teammates from his office, causing them to yell at me sternly as they threw me into the waters of Lake Phalen, where my toes would be chomped off by snapping turtles (Fears # 11, 6, 5, 8 and 1). It could have been really ugly.  

Instead, it proved to be an unexpected highlight of my summer. I learned a new, somewhat useless rowing technique and obtained some righteous bruises. Best of all, on the shore my beautiful daughters watched us lose heat after heat, and they loved me anyway. Clearly worth the risk. So why did it cause me such tremendous fear? 

Or try this one on for size: Waffle Guy's youngest has an unbelievable voice. It's the sort of talent that most people never get to have. So when she asked my Guy and I if we'd sing backup vocals for an audition she wanted to go on, the logical answer was yes. But then it became clear that she wanted us to dress up in early '70s garb a la The Pips, and do Motown choreography, and do it in front of an audience with judges (Fears #11 and possibly 9), and I wanted to die every time I thought about it. 

We did it, though. And Waffle Guy and I TOTALLY blew the choreography, and we don't know yet whether we made it with her or ruined it for her. But it was absolutely hilarious in a way I never could have predicted. If I'm really honest, I'm strangely glad we did it. 

A childhood friend and fellow blogger recently drew my attention to a Huffington Post article talking about perceived happiness, specifically referring to parenthood. The article set every little synapse in my brain to life. Parents, the piece contends, are simply too busy to recognize what makes them happy until they stop to think about it later on. Is it possible, I wondered, that this is not limited to parenting? Is it possible that we truly don't realize what makes us happy until after we understand the events in context of The Big Picture?

And if this is the case, is it possible that we are also somehow programmed to fear the wrong things? Perhaps Fear #2 is something I should drop, opting instead to fear a flavorless, dull and utterly predictable life?

Maybe it's time to start ignoring the things that scare me, and welcoming the sweet, unexpected outcomes of just letting go.

(I'm standing by the fear of june bugs, though. Those little bastards are mortifying.)

Independence

The Middle Child made a proud declaration this morning, as she plated up her Sunday waffle. "We got blackberries and strawberries and whipped cream, Mama," she said. "For Independence Day."

July 4th has always been among her favorite days. I remember holding a baby, five weeks old, who stared in rapt attention to the bursts of colored stars. When she got older, she'd rest her head on my shoulder as we stretched out on a blanket and watched the sky. "Those ones are my favorite," she'd whisper, her hands on my cheeks. "No. Those are my favorite."

It's interesting that she enjoys the festivities so much. Any other day, crowds and noise and explosions  incite irascibility from this child. But not on Independence Day. Perhaps she understands that to find the meaning of freedom, one must embrace that which is unpredictable.

Waffle Guy assumed the role of executive chef this morning, with The Middle Child acting as prep cook, leaving me free to observe. Under his direction, she mixed a batter that yielded the most delicious waffles we've created in the year since this journey began.

Sweetest of all was watching her, nine years old and thriving, at the dawn of her own independence.

She's developed a fascinating new habit, as of late. "I'm going to save up $200," she'll tell me. And then she'll do it.

Last month, she informed me that she'd be participating in her first triathlon  on July 17th. This wasn't the same child who confidently stated she was going to be an Astronaut Cowgirl when she grew up. There was no childish ignorance, no irrational logic. This time, she knew what it took and intended to succeed. Day after day she swims and runs and bikes, completely driven to accomplish her mission. The force that drives her confounds me, rising from the mystery that is her soul, entirely independent of my influence. Suddenly, she is her own woman. It is both victory and defeat, that she needs less and less of me, and it speeds my pulse to think of it.

She didn't macerate the strawberries this morning, although macerating strawberries is one of her very favorite things to do. Today she decided to leave them whole; to pile them atop whipping cream along with tangy, firm blackberries; to add her very own, sweet spin to a tradition that we've come to love.

I scraped the last crumbs onto my fork, lost in all of the things I wanted to tell her. It's your life, too, Little One. 

But there was no need to say it. She already knows.

Back to the Beginning

Enough with the random sappiness. There are three incredible waffle-related developments that must be addressed.

1. A little over a year ago, I mentioned in this post that the Aster Cafe in Minneapolis desperately needed waffles. It was a beautiful, quaint space that just needed something more, and waffles, I contended, would save it. Through a bizarre series of coincidences, my friends Matty O'Reilly and Tom Peterson, owners of the amazing 318 Cafe in Excelsior, Minnesota, have acquired the Aster Cafe, and I'm happy to report waffles on their delightful breakfast menu. You can order them topped with either fresh berries and creme fraiche, or with bananas and Nutella (omg). While there's still nowhere in Minneapolis to find a delicious sugar waffle, I'm happy to report that these will sustain me when I'm too lazy to make my own. I'm also very happy to report that when I say a place should get waffles, sometimes it happens. Behold, the power of blogging...and serendipity.
2. We're running out of Hagel Zucker, and I was trembling in my bones at the thought that I'd have to return to waffle making without it. But if there's a god, it loves waffles, and so it's all going to work out fine. Our friend Nikki, who was instrumental in our decision to go to Bruges in the first place, has been living in Belgium for the past year, and will be visiting next week. She very kindly offered to bring home a stash of Belgian pearl sugar for us. Waffle Guy and I laughed a bit as she said, "I picked up two kilos for you, so you should be set for a long time." Little does she know how much sugar we put in those amazing waffles.
3. Waffle Guy is THE BEST. I mean, we already knew that, but he's really, really, really THE BEST. See, I'm celebrating a milestone birthday in the fall, and Mr. Incredible decided that for my birthday, he would offer me the opportunity to share the magic of Waffle World with those who mean the most to me. And so, come October, we'll be taking my three amazing daughters and my highly cool mother to Europe. The plan at this point is to start in Amsterdam, then go eat waffles and ride in horse-drawn carriages and drink lots of beer in Bruges, and then venture into Germany.  I'm so excited that I'm not sure I can stand it.

Lest you think I'd forgotten the original purpose of my blog, I'm going to leave you with this: It's a good year for waffles.

I'm-a go eat one right now...